"VEE to the Front"

Laptop is DEAD.

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 16:21:44 -0400

i miss you tumblr i’ll hopefully be on by monday. daddy’s gonna fix you tomorrow.
ta-ta for now ]:

i have to write out my 1st check tomorrow

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 22:51:01 -0400

for my last job and there fcking mistake.

Explain to me. tax people. people. friends. family. experts. and littlepissoffcknshtfckedassholebtchs of partyfair eastbrunswick—

why i must pay. 400$ for that mistake.?
for YOUR MISTAKE.

for a mistake written on a federal document that cant be fixed. or taken care of.
i have to take it to my hand. to that check. to write out. 400. FOURHUNDRED FCKN DOLLARS.

400 fckn dollars. and i have to pay that because you partyfair screwd me over.
YOU PARTYFAIR, didnt file correctly and put a single person, who is still in school,
tryin to pay off, work, nd become a decent citizen 400$ in debt.

my 1st w2 they took out 200. fine. fair. my 2nd year with them my w2 states I MADE LESS of what i made the year before because my hours got cut, under the circumstances i asked for that—-they fckn take out more. THEY TAKE OUT 400$

tell my boss, manager, you pretend sickfckndisgustingfcknshttfacedcuntfcks
HOW

H-O-W

H
O
W

that makes any sense. huh?

idont owe you anything. I DONT.
you fckn screwed me up.
im paying for your fckn mistake.
i cant do anything about it because its too late.

you think you can get away with it? dont you?

people make mistakes. people do things wrong. but practice makes perfect. oh doesnt it

NOT WHEN THAT MISTAKE IS 400$

im realizing now. ive known about this for days. im just this stupid sad exscue of
a girl whose putting off because i rather not say a word to you.
but im realizing that instead of going there to raise hell, instead of going there to say shtt, im shuttin my goddamn mouth to btch about it on tumblr.

why go and fckn fight them when they lost what they cant get back.
why go and fckn say shtt when they dont deserv any more respect frm me.
why me.
why out of all mistakes would this happen to me when i fckn made that place.
they needed me there. ive helped them beyond all means, so much. i stayed when i saw too many of my friends leave, too many of people i care about leave, ive canceled so many plans. did so many things extra. i was there best employee

leave me to pay that 400$ right? i wont notice?

well i did. and i hope the best comes to you and youll hve no other way to escape
but drown in your own fckn misery. your a bunch of fckn soulless ungrateful selfish rotting disgusting pitiful fckn pigs just waiting for fire to burn your fckn insides out.

(-___-)
Tue, 20 Mar 2012 12:33:00 -0400

i havent been the greatest daughter lately…yes. i know. but the one day i try to fix that. attempt to make up for that. i finally bring up enough courage to say,

maybe you and daddy can talk about it…but right now im not paying for anything.
i need to start.

i get her amazed expression with a dab of disapproval as she replies

i dont want you to get mad at me when i tell you this but not until your married and you have a ring on your finger you cant have any joined account with justin. i understand you have a steady relationship—but anything can happen and then the next thing you know youll be in court settling something very immaturely.

(i understand mom. i do. but im 20 years old and i need to start somewhere. why dont you let me handle that if that were to come down to it. )

she says believe me i know, take my word for it.

(you act mom. you do. you were nothing close to me at 20 years old. i need to start somewhere. why dont you let me handle that if itwere to come down to it. )

Well you know eventually ill be buying a car. ill be paying for that insurance like daddy said. why is a cell phone bill any different?

You’ll get to pay for that stuff later. dont worry about it.

i feel so small. im under my parents for everything until im 25.
someone speed up time. kill me.

He wore a yellow collared shirt today to work. Like a stupid...

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 23:46:00 -0500

He wore a yellow collared shirt today to work. Like a stupid bananna he is.

He says, “I want to show you a song…I heard it on the way over to your house.”

“….Its like I wrote the song and had these guys sing it to you.”

stupid banana.

i never smiled so big.

Reasons Why I Hate Being A Girl:

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 00:32:00 -0500

Everyone with an opinnion that goes to Middlesex, pisses me off so incrediably much.

Im overly cranky when im hungry!

Driving on the road behind other CRVS, SUVS, or any car bigger and or the same size as my CRV deserves a race with me in the right lane———BTCHS COME AT. ME. I. WILL. TEAR. YOUR. SHTT. CAR. A. NEW. ASS.

Pampering and being a girl just makes me want to become a butch lesbian because
having to shave your legs in ridculously unneccessay. why dont we all have 1 fckn leg?

Jennifer’s Body, yeah tht shtt movie….makes me cry… i literally cried.

WHATS WRONG?!
….im close to due on the monthly agenda.

FCK ME NOW, and end my life -__-‘

your welcome tumblr, you all had to know that.

ps- i avoided my boyfriend (so as he reads this before waking up and coming to my house to literally and physically drag me out of bed) i avoided him and pretended to be asleep——when really im just on tumbler at 12:32, and downloading music.

MU AH HA HAHAHAHaA! whatchaknowaboutthatfck

Video

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 00:25:33 -0500

Its weird.

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 23:35:03 -0500

I dropped a math class.

I’m unemployed.

I have the best bestfriend anyone could have. Just seeing her for 10 minutes makes me smile.

I have a beyond amazing boyfriend.

Im climbing the charts of becoming a great journalist and i have confidence.

But….its not enough. I’m missing something.

Im lost?

Maybe that’s not the word.
All i know is—

I’m motivated. Im motivated to run again. to just loose myself in the outside world and the music in my ears.

Im motivated to impress people out there for a job bigger the Retail. Bigger then just partyfair. Bigger then myself.

Im ready for the let downs.

Im motivated to take a big leap in paying bills, in living large, in commitments and
more responsibilities.

Im ready for the new, the bad, the good and whatever comes my way.

Its weird.

I want it all. But i cant because im standing still.
I want it all. But i cant because time’s not moving fast enough with me.

Ticking clock oh mighty. Could you just tick a little faster for me ?

Dear AshleyReid. Im too much of a pussy to face you on Facebook. do you mind if I reply to you on tumblr.

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 01:16:04 -0500

I understand you are beyond all levels of hell pissed. Im sure saying sorry on behalf of all ex partyfair employees and i doesnt help. I hope when you read this you;ll know i am sorry. I wont explain. I wont make exscues. I am.

I feel terrible. I do. I feel like i do this all the time to my friends…I feel like i cant really escape the everyday routine of school. home. boyfriend. And to think i made fun of all those who made that their lifestyle. here i am signaling into the neat single filed line of reality’s wind up robots.

I’d love more then anything to meet up with all you guys to drink, talk, eat, laugh and hug and hold all those good feeling smiles…Its fcked up that we planed this for 2 weeks, and no one showed to the party today. Its fcked up i got 4 of the 10 people asking me if i was going and i told them “no” because i didnt want to go without everyon being there. Its fcked up. I know.

but I just wanted him to be prepared. I just wanted to be the good girlfriend to actually tell everyone “yes justinpenso is my boyfriend.” Yes, im making sure he’ll get on time to his orientation tomorrow for a new job. Yes, I stopped him from party. Yes, absolutely, sir, I’m making sure the world sees his strengths and the great abilities he has as a worker.

he’s amazing world. He is. You’ll see what i see in him everyday.

Its my fault for this.

It is.
if i hadnt had that fight with him.
if i hadnt messed with his head, his emotions, he wouldnt have quit that day.
If i had just gone to that party like Ashley planned and just dealt with the boyfriend after. Or maybe brought him with me. maybe we couldof went through with it…It wouldof been fine.

maybe I shouldof lied. I shouldof told Pierre, Connor, Chris, and Andre in that order i was going.
I know she misses life. She misses friends. Right now its hard for her. Ive been there. Ive seen it. Like everyone else. I know. I do know.

I shouldof done so many things right instead of have so many things wrong from the keys of the keyboard i type.

I’m just so sorry.

Her words i read still bleed on my screen hidden away from the tabs.

“Fck you ex partyfair employees i no longer miss you.”
“FUCK YOU ALL!!! i made jello shots…. and bought beer and snacks… and jack, and absolute …. but no one is here….. seriously FUCK YOU”

Im a asshole. \:

Hey bby can i tell you a secret?

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 00:50:15 -0500

When i was in high school a guy asked me a question. He said, ‘justin if you had to fight for one thing what would it be’

i answered ‘ill fight for something worth fighting for, no matter what. i told him that. i said the one thing everyone looks for. And thats love. no mater what because thats worth fighting for.

your my everything v. ur the only one for me.

I’ll always fight for you.

…stupid bananna.

A GOOD DAY CONSISTS OF.Being woken up by your boyfriend. Not...

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 23:30:40 -0500

A GOOD DAY CONSISTS OF.

Being woken up by your boyfriend. Not knowing how he just came into your room.

Getting ready for the day. Leaving the house with him.

Getting things done.

Going on adventures. Having lunch. Having dinner.

Napping on your bed.

Having a Beautiful Day.

With the beautiful sky watching over us. All Day.

BAD DAYS CONSIST OF.Breaking your bookbag when you leave the...

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 23:27:34 -0500

BAD DAYS CONSIST OF.

Breaking your bookbag when you leave the house.

Spending 30$ for the same bag but then deciding youd return it because that
30$ is all you have to spend.

Going to school with a broken bag.

Feeling uncomfortable.

Getting cranky, snappy and hungry sitting in class.

Getting annoyed from stupid people.

Eating goldfish and dropping the last one on the floor.

Day 3

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 01:08:19 -0500

I spoke to my Uncle today. We had dinner we walked around the mall. Then to Barns and Nobles and then we went back home.

I love having conversations with him. He listens to me. I listen to him. We have these world and life conversations that helps me alot to make me feel better with what im doing today.

I have something to look forward to though. If i can find friends to live with, and hold up to 1500 for rent or even just 1200 among me and my best friend.

Anna i think we have a start.

I love talking to my uncle. I love knowing i grew up a little for him to go to me to help him with his decisions. It makes me feel important. It makes me feel like im not so insignifcant. Yes i am jobless and yes i dont know what im doing in my life.

Day 2 Jobless

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 01:42:54 -0500

my dad’s away on bussiness and he told me to take care of my mom and my brothers.

my mom gave me money for dinner to pick up.
i was 5dollars short and i paniced thinking i didnt have enough on my debet card.
but luckily i did.

i had to pick up some last minute stuff for his valentines day present.
i was short having 10dollars on me i can spend. i left with the minimumn.

its almost 2 now…it sucks how his gift isnt nearly as ahmazing as i pictured it to be.

RJ took my construction paper and scissors and im barely making it here with the utensils and supplies i have now.

i panic sometimes. its probably why ive been having such awful nights.
tomorrow will be better. at least i tell myself it will be.

Day 1 Jobless

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 15:17:47 -0500

its a relieving feeling. I understand now how that feels when those whose left had said it and i had to get over the little ounce of miss for them.

its almost unreal. it all happened so fast. and im sure why i even done it that way.

its stupid…but its true. all my reasons. if anyone were in my shoes youd understand.

im on this new changing journey now and im holding on to something that ill be sure i wont let go again.

its my fault. ill own up to it. now.

I have this heightening feeling in my chest

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 22:23:00 -0500

that then throbs in my throat, that cloggs my hearing, that waters my eyes and makes me hiccup to cry.

over and over again. swiftly and uncontroblly— overwelming my echoing gasps captavating myself in a stage of misery.
I cant help but curled up, under the covers hurting. Hurting everything in my head…& yes im panicing.

I feel like theres this part of me that will always make the best of things come to an end to just hear a past voice repeat it. All good things come to an end.

no matter what. i see it as my fault. i see it as if i never had done what i did, it wouldof stayed the same, wed go into work tomorrow hate our day but then look forward to the night ahead. He’d make my day better. We’d go on our break. We’d have a day where no one knew our secret but us and we’d smile to know we’d go home together just to hug one another on the coach listening to each others heartbeats.

it didnt feel the same today. i didnt like hearing myself tell people that we broke up for 2 days. i wish he knew how hard its been. how hard its still going to be. i wish i hadnt done what i did. i wish i could go back, i wish i could.

he’ll apply to all these places, he’ll meet new people, it’ll change…and so will he.
what if i dont see him as much, what if our days change, what if we lose each other in the busy lives we’ll both have.

what if he finds someone better thts gonna be there for him nd i cant be because im not there like i have been.
what if he realizes their is someone better then me. what if he picks another her because he knows with her hed never have to be jerked around, yelled at, or deal with anything he has with me…

i feel distance. i feel an empty space. i want to go back to sunday. to anyday before monday. I want to just have him back.

im just so sorry.

im btching, im whinning, im totally being a fckn 5 yr old right now. who gives a shtt right? your reading this thinking whats this btchs problem today.

just understand im just so used to it. i get myself into these things because danger never sleeps…getting used to new things scares everyone doesnt it? getting used to what used to be thes best just suddenly turning to disaster…well..doesnt that scare you? wouldnt you feel stuck?

wouldnt you just take a day off from the world just to think— then still come to the conclustion that you still have no fckn idea, what your doing.

i dont have options. i dont know what i want. time is money and money is something we both dont have. i wish he could just stay. and i wish i could just come out and tell him how much i care. but im out of words and im terrified of where this may lead. i just want sunday back. i want to feel it.

he tells me its alright that nothngs gonna change and everything wil be back to normal. but i dont know that. i dont feel it.

i dont know wht to do.

ijust need to relax. ill be fine. ill stop panicing. ill get used to this. ill stay positive. ill tough it out. itll be fine. itll be fine.

please let it be fine…

i guess i owe you that 20

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:49:58 -0500

i didnt try to find him. i swear. i just took a different route out of the building. i ran into him. i smiled. he saw me. i hugged him. we talked until 1230. we walked around everywhere. we talked. and he knew.

i told him our stories.

he told me his.

he said, “dont stress over it. your making it unneccessary. you do look drained.”

Today i didnt wear my locket

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 22:21:00 -0500

Today i changed the way i got home so i wouldnt see him on the road.

Today I wont be wearing his hoodie to sleep.

Today i wont be wearing his tag.

Today i changed my profile picture of the hellokitty he gave me.

Today i changd the background of my phone of dizzy.

Today i hate him and that wont change.

that wont change because the more he tries,the more he pushes me away.

Im not coming back.

I said i needed time at first but now im sure.
im sure i dont want you anymore.
and im sure that i wont come back anymore.

maybe if you actually dont talk, text, try to talk to me for awhile ill find you again in the furture to talk to you. In the meantime.

LEAVE

ALONE

Video

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 21:35:58 -0500

Got home Safe

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 19:49:00 -0500

My mom waited for me to get home from class, she asks
“I just wanted to make sure your okay…he looked so scared when i opened the door. Do you think its over”

All i said was “i dont care anymore. i have things to write.”

From upstairs

my dad goes, “Vicki home?”
Mom: “Yeah. shes home.”
RJ: “Is she with him?”
Mom: “No”
Dad: “Why what happened? where is he”
Mom in low voice “Oh alittle disagreement. She told him not to talk to her for a few days.”
RJ: “i bet its vicki’s fault. She always does this.”
Mom: “She just like things her way.”

& yet again

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 15:37:20 -0500

she comes when i need her most. Theres no one else i could want but her to make me feel better and make the most scariest things go away.